Monday, 1 October 2007

stretches of oblivion

so have i really ticked off people, ya.
I am not sure what to think yet.
I am goin to Montreal for the weekend and I guess I just had this realization that I think I may be the only one of the gals from SLP who isn't still in touch...
How frustrating.
Maybe more - wow, what did I do?
Was it cause I left there before most? Because I am too friggin emotional? Was I really that mean?

I have good memories of these people. I guess I didn't leave the same memories. I left the image of how weak and retarded I am. I guess in a telepathic way - woudl you guys forgive me for whatever it was I did? and... i am really interested in your lives, how are you really doing? I do miss y'all...
Anyway, just another rant in the life of the woman...

Friday, 7 September 2007

The sun looks like it's melting the world.

Today I walked out side and the sun was beating down with this orange-golden colour on the ground. It hit my skin with such heat and intensity... it felt like I was beginning to melt.
It's my first real weekend of school. And, this may be one of the last weekends I get... so I am glad that the weather is like harsh hot august weather. Maybe I will go to the beach... :) get a tan!!

My coping skills I was discussing with my school physician are apathy. Or the way she put it was that it is I am able to accept the things I cannot change... so I accept and even if I get frustrated I tend to just say... meh, screw it. Wow, this can be so effective! I did really good on my first test of the year (ya, the first "real" school week ends with a test... and ya... the marks were up by the next day around noon)

SO the year begins and the beginning of the turmoil and change are under way!

But why am I still dreaming of someone from the past. Talk about weird...

Friday, 24 August 2007

Terrible and evil being resides inside me

I am a terrible person inside.
I'm not sure why, but I guess I am.
I have these dark corners, negative moods and a harsh tongue.

How somedays I have any friends is beyond me... or so I have come to wonder recently.
Are my decisions unsound? I realize I take things personally and when I am overtired I am an absolute bear and when I am being abused I tend to be a little cranky. I haven't taken the easiest route, but my life and my stories are rich and I have some amazing experiences that I dont' think I woudl ever trade to get back things I had in the past. I feel that if things were supposed to have worked out differently they woudl have.
Will I lose friends, I am sure I have and I will and it will be an ongoing cycle. Some people a forward once told me are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. I have some amazing people in my life and I am proud that they see me as someone to care about and encourage through thick and thin.
Do I regret the fact that I am single and that I havent' been in a long term relationship in a long time - sometimes it makes me sad. People keep asking me when I am gonna be the married, havin kids. And really, that hurts in a lot of ways. Am I less of a person because I haven't found it necessary to follow that path? Am I less loved and have I accomplished less in my lifetime? I think I make a good friend, aunt, sister and daughter and those are some remarkable relationships to maintain over time also.
The future to me is never something I could picture, which is probably why right now I can't see much beyond this year. The options and the changes that can arise over this year long period of time are so numerous, so mysterious and often much scarier than you may think.
I guess that I hit the point of nostalgia and a little regrouping as I begin my final year at the College. I am aware of dark corners, choices and conversations I have had with people recently about my life. I know I am not an easy person to get along with, understand or keep up with. I try to keep people involved, but I have to admit, sometimes it is tough and I need a little help. I have been a terrible friend to some this year and I just have to ask for understanding and forgiveness and to depend on my friends, family and other loved ones for a good swift kick in the pants when I get myself into such a rut. To allow me to shed some tears and push me to move past them. I am one stubborn chick and another very emotional gal and I know that makes a terrible combination sometimes.
I just hope that when I am onto my next adventure that I will still have people around me who care and that I haven't done what I know I am most talented at - pushing away...

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

in the heat of the night...

I don't come by often.


My life is in the usual chaos - which drives me insane at the best of times.
Shift work but not just that overtime with shift work - how painful? I'm workin like a dog and getting paid crappy wages and I'm tired all the time.

this is me realizing the error of my ways ;)

I knwo I have to pay bills but this is rediculous. I took the job I could get and there are advantages - the experience has been good on a job related side of things... but the money and hours are messed up.

I hope that I am in this for the right reasons, that I myself as a person don't become someone that I don't like and that I remember the lighter side of life with this job. And... i hope i get used to nights.

anyway, off to bed. I had more of a point for writing, but I think I just decided it was time to leave a note... more another day

Thursday, 25 January 2007

alternate parts of my brain?!

The part of my brain I am in is not pleasant. It is kindof shaky, hyper and a little neurotic.
Today was intense! So very friggin intense!

Our lab this morning was 3 hours packed with enough information to fill a 6 hour time slot. It was all about head immobilization, collaring, keds, backboards, log rolls, rapid extracation, removal of helmets, removal from cars... urg. does the list end?

With all that, we have also crammed in our mushy brains dermatomes, neuro assessments, palpation, spinal injuries and their common signs and symptoms. And so on...

Next week then for me consists of 2 tests on Monday, 1 test on Wed (i am pretty sure), 1 test thursday (practical) and 1 test friday (practical). The week after I have a huge med-trauma test on the MOnday at 8am.
And I am not as focused as I should be, or maybe I have been just worn down.
Oh and Tuesday I have a doc apointment.

Wow... intense.
I should go eat and study.

Thursday, 18 January 2007

past, present and future tests...

Ya, it sounds like the Mental Health Act and those are actually tests... but this has more to do with looking at who i was when i started say highschool...
I ran into an old buddy of mine tonight, haven't seen him in a couple years. It was nice. I remember meeting him at Camp, and at the age of 14/15 I was akward, nerdy and really didn't see myself as anyone special. I was never part of the "popular" group, in 7/8 grade was bullied by a couple of girls in my grade and was nicknamed "chest board" by the boys... so on. WHen I started at Camp - I dated Mike. He was cute, actually really cute. I determined he was actually way out of my league. Where I came up with this idea I dunno. :P
Either way... that is how it all started and eventually I developed some of the best friendships ever. I realize now how important they were and actually how much more I do like myself, and that hanging out with an old friend I realize that I don't need to feel insecure, I can talk to anyone and it is nice to meet up with people you can pick up with and feel that not much has changed. :) It's cool.
So that is me tonight. Looking at what was, what is and why I can be proud and confident in my future. It is kindof a relief... :)

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

box of toothpicks, valium and speed

I am so tired...
Maybe it is cause it has become really winter all of a sudden with a newly laid foot of snow, temps dipping down into the -20's C over night and the chaos of my semester bombarding me.

I'm giving in.
It is bed time.
Bio can wait - tho I am convinced I know nothing.
Feeling like I did in University...


Gonna have to get my feet back under me.
Off to find them.

Monday, 8 January 2007

super hero... does this work?

Your results:
You are Robin

Wonder Woman
Iron Man
Green Lantern
The Flash
Young and acrobatic.
You don't mind stepping aside
to give someone else glory.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

Friday, 5 January 2007

wonder what happened to winter?

It's been raining on and off all day. It's grey, its murky, but it is warm.
It is a sweater day.
I am wearing my cozy green zip up.

I'm touring around, getting some school work done, gonna go to the pool too.
I'm easily distracted today.
Watching people walk by makes being productive difficult.

I feel better, maybe a little mellow but better. Not as desperate and hopeless.

Snow. That is what is missing from this picture.
The slimy looking mud, puddles, dead leaves and half green grass... are all lacking the magic of snow. The twinkling like little stars on earth when the moon or a good white street light hit the crystals. That's winter, what it is all about. It softens all the hard, imposing lines of the buildings, walls, even the trees with their pointy-ended branches.

I am ready for winter.
I like the temperature today, but I am really ready for winter.

When I get home tonight it can snow. (even if it doesn't want to).