Friday, 24 August 2007

Terrible and evil being resides inside me

I am a terrible person inside.
I'm not sure why, but I guess I am.
I have these dark corners, negative moods and a harsh tongue.

How somedays I have any friends is beyond me... or so I have come to wonder recently.
Are my decisions unsound? I realize I take things personally and when I am overtired I am an absolute bear and when I am being abused I tend to be a little cranky. I haven't taken the easiest route, but my life and my stories are rich and I have some amazing experiences that I dont' think I woudl ever trade to get back things I had in the past. I feel that if things were supposed to have worked out differently they woudl have.
Will I lose friends, I am sure I have and I will and it will be an ongoing cycle. Some people a forward once told me are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. I have some amazing people in my life and I am proud that they see me as someone to care about and encourage through thick and thin.
Do I regret the fact that I am single and that I havent' been in a long term relationship in a long time - sometimes it makes me sad. People keep asking me when I am gonna be the married, havin kids. And really, that hurts in a lot of ways. Am I less of a person because I haven't found it necessary to follow that path? Am I less loved and have I accomplished less in my lifetime? I think I make a good friend, aunt, sister and daughter and those are some remarkable relationships to maintain over time also.
The future to me is never something I could picture, which is probably why right now I can't see much beyond this year. The options and the changes that can arise over this year long period of time are so numerous, so mysterious and often much scarier than you may think.
I guess that I hit the point of nostalgia and a little regrouping as I begin my final year at the College. I am aware of dark corners, choices and conversations I have had with people recently about my life. I know I am not an easy person to get along with, understand or keep up with. I try to keep people involved, but I have to admit, sometimes it is tough and I need a little help. I have been a terrible friend to some this year and I just have to ask for understanding and forgiveness and to depend on my friends, family and other loved ones for a good swift kick in the pants when I get myself into such a rut. To allow me to shed some tears and push me to move past them. I am one stubborn chick and another very emotional gal and I know that makes a terrible combination sometimes.
I just hope that when I am onto my next adventure that I will still have people around me who care and that I haven't done what I know I am most talented at - pushing away...

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

in the heat of the night...

I don't come by often.


My life is in the usual chaos - which drives me insane at the best of times.
Shift work but not just that overtime with shift work - how painful? I'm workin like a dog and getting paid crappy wages and I'm tired all the time.

this is me realizing the error of my ways ;)

I knwo I have to pay bills but this is rediculous. I took the job I could get and there are advantages - the experience has been good on a job related side of things... but the money and hours are messed up.

I hope that I am in this for the right reasons, that I myself as a person don't become someone that I don't like and that I remember the lighter side of life with this job. And... i hope i get used to nights.

anyway, off to bed. I had more of a point for writing, but I think I just decided it was time to leave a note... more another day