Monday, 25 February 2008

one drop in the bucket

Gosh I wish this was a romantic entry.
But today it is trying to open my feelings and get them out of my head.
There is a lot of weight in my head - maybe that is why I get a headache sometimes. I take on a lot of stuff in this little cranial vault.

The 12th I had my first major trauma, the first one that really hit me. It didn't hit me until I was done but it hit me. And for some reason it hit me harder than anything else I have seen. She was young, lively I am sure and made one little mistake. It's realizing that one decision you make can determine the rest of your life, and to make the wrong one, to make that decision at the wrong time can end whatever your dreams and life could hold. Whether you make the right one... or not... it isn't until after you make it that you learn the outcome. You can think of the probabilities, like gambling, but you never know.
It wasn't overly gorey, but it was the most adrenaline filled, fast paced scene I have been on yet. We moved. I knew that it was a pretty slim chance she'd make it. I knew that she would be lucky if she did. The mechanism of injury, the types of injuries meant that she was going to have a tough struggle if she did.
The report given to the docs, then I realized that I needed the space. I walked out, and cried. Just quickly, enough to feel a little relief and a little embarrassment. i was sad, or maybe scared or maybe just coming down off the adrenaline.
I have accepted the call. I know the reality of it and that she just made a split second decision with hope and optimism that only a teenager can. maybe I will still be sad, maybe it was just something to compound all my emotions.

Last 2 weeks: 10th - 12th Friend visiting, working 0530 starts; 13th write test in Oshawa, come back to Ottawa on 15th; mom and dad in town all weekend; 15th write ottawa testing; Buddy came by to hang out and stayed till midnight; work canal sunday; 18-19 afternoon/evening; 20 0730 start; 21 afternoon/evening; 22 0730 start; 23 in lab for 5 hours practicing for monday; 24 5 hours on canal, coffee date; 25th ottawa scenario test - bombed completely due to exhaustion and anxiety attack.
I came home today and just crashed, i cried for my failure, for my exhaustion, for the fact that I have neglected myself for such a long time and for the realization that I have worked pretty much straight through for 18 months with maybe one long weekend a month - if that. Maybe it is because i saw the loss of a life and that hurts. Maybe it is just because I need sleep. I am exhausted. Frustrated. stressed out.
this week is daytimes - 05:30 starts. then next monday i have another set of tests. I need this to go well. I need to sleep and feel better. I need a hug man, and someone just to listen to me whine, cry and say nothing. Nothing more at all. But tonight it will be a gravol... and to sleep.

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