It's happening all around me and I can't seem to figure out what way to look. Like there is just so much going on around me... and I have no control. Maybe it is just the combination of beginnings, endings and being somewhere in the middle of other things... haha.
So what am I talking about... well here goes.
Finished my rideouts, did very well which I am happy about.
Finished the last week of school... which I did very well and was soo frustrated... haha.
Graduated from the Paramedic Program - all my colleagues are now spreading across the province at the moment I speak and it is good I am happy but at the same time - it's an ending and it's sad.
Still working at the transfer company - which brings with it it's own set of frustrations since voting in the union. My boss didn't talk to me at all for 2 months - how mature? I dunno.
Got a summer job in Prescott-Russel as a full fledged Paramedic. I apparently have my wings and I am being allowed to fly solo now. I think they're crazy... but I am happy too. The biggest challenge beyond it being a new job... doing the job bilingually! haha. that will be... interesting...
September 2008 - moving to S. Ontario (okay somewhere between Belleville and Oshawa) so I can take the Advanced Care Paramedic program at Durham. I am excited but there is not a tonne of support by a lot of the medics on the road. I am hoping that it isn't that tough to get the support but we'll see.
This all comes amongst or after testing after testing for different services, interviews, rejections, i got sooo tired and frustrated after all of that, felt so deflated and still... don't feel like the strongest person out there. I realized that I have a lot of strengths but the hiring process doesn't find any of those.. at all!!
So today is Canada day, it is sunny for the first time in a month... I believe it is time to go and enjoy the weather and try to get a bit of a tan!
Thanks for the rant time.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Friday, 16 May 2008
health - care
Is there care in health care?
maybe my turbulations through different parts are jading my vision.
Hiring is not good...
people don't really care.
They go from person to person and just do their "job" but they miss parts of it.
Urg... then... they just ... don't put in any emotion.
I'm tired... tired of being a caring individual who is working to get a job... but I care too much.
How many more heartbreaks can one person endure...
maybe my turbulations through different parts are jading my vision.
Hiring is not good...
people don't really care.
They go from person to person and just do their "job" but they miss parts of it.
Urg... then... they just ... don't put in any emotion.
I'm tired... tired of being a caring individual who is working to get a job... but I care too much.
How many more heartbreaks can one person endure...
Monday, 25 February 2008
one drop in the bucket
Gosh I wish this was a romantic entry.
But today it is trying to open my feelings and get them out of my head.
There is a lot of weight in my head - maybe that is why I get a headache sometimes. I take on a lot of stuff in this little cranial vault.
The 12th I had my first major trauma, the first one that really hit me. It didn't hit me until I was done but it hit me. And for some reason it hit me harder than anything else I have seen. She was young, lively I am sure and made one little mistake. It's realizing that one decision you make can determine the rest of your life, and to make the wrong one, to make that decision at the wrong time can end whatever your dreams and life could hold. Whether you make the right one... or not... it isn't until after you make it that you learn the outcome. You can think of the probabilities, like gambling, but you never know.
It wasn't overly gorey, but it was the most adrenaline filled, fast paced scene I have been on yet. We moved. I knew that it was a pretty slim chance she'd make it. I knew that she would be lucky if she did. The mechanism of injury, the types of injuries meant that she was going to have a tough struggle if she did.
The report given to the docs, then I realized that I needed the space. I walked out, and cried. Just quickly, enough to feel a little relief and a little embarrassment. i was sad, or maybe scared or maybe just coming down off the adrenaline.
I have accepted the call. I know the reality of it and that she just made a split second decision with hope and optimism that only a teenager can. maybe I will still be sad, maybe it was just something to compound all my emotions.
Last 2 weeks: 10th - 12th Friend visiting, working 0530 starts; 13th write test in Oshawa, come back to Ottawa on 15th; mom and dad in town all weekend; 15th write ottawa testing; Buddy came by to hang out and stayed till midnight; work canal sunday; 18-19 afternoon/evening; 20 0730 start; 21 afternoon/evening; 22 0730 start; 23 in lab for 5 hours practicing for monday; 24 5 hours on canal, coffee date; 25th ottawa scenario test - bombed completely due to exhaustion and anxiety attack.
I came home today and just crashed, i cried for my failure, for my exhaustion, for the fact that I have neglected myself for such a long time and for the realization that I have worked pretty much straight through for 18 months with maybe one long weekend a month - if that. Maybe it is because i saw the loss of a life and that hurts. Maybe it is just because I need sleep. I am exhausted. Frustrated. stressed out.
this week is daytimes - 05:30 starts. then next monday i have another set of tests. I need this to go well. I need to sleep and feel better. I need a hug man, and someone just to listen to me whine, cry and say nothing. Nothing more at all. But tonight it will be a gravol... and to sleep.
But today it is trying to open my feelings and get them out of my head.
There is a lot of weight in my head - maybe that is why I get a headache sometimes. I take on a lot of stuff in this little cranial vault.
The 12th I had my first major trauma, the first one that really hit me. It didn't hit me until I was done but it hit me. And for some reason it hit me harder than anything else I have seen. She was young, lively I am sure and made one little mistake. It's realizing that one decision you make can determine the rest of your life, and to make the wrong one, to make that decision at the wrong time can end whatever your dreams and life could hold. Whether you make the right one... or not... it isn't until after you make it that you learn the outcome. You can think of the probabilities, like gambling, but you never know.
It wasn't overly gorey, but it was the most adrenaline filled, fast paced scene I have been on yet. We moved. I knew that it was a pretty slim chance she'd make it. I knew that she would be lucky if she did. The mechanism of injury, the types of injuries meant that she was going to have a tough struggle if she did.
The report given to the docs, then I realized that I needed the space. I walked out, and cried. Just quickly, enough to feel a little relief and a little embarrassment. i was sad, or maybe scared or maybe just coming down off the adrenaline.
I have accepted the call. I know the reality of it and that she just made a split second decision with hope and optimism that only a teenager can. maybe I will still be sad, maybe it was just something to compound all my emotions.
Last 2 weeks: 10th - 12th Friend visiting, working 0530 starts; 13th write test in Oshawa, come back to Ottawa on 15th; mom and dad in town all weekend; 15th write ottawa testing; Buddy came by to hang out and stayed till midnight; work canal sunday; 18-19 afternoon/evening; 20 0730 start; 21 afternoon/evening; 22 0730 start; 23 in lab for 5 hours practicing for monday; 24 5 hours on canal, coffee date; 25th ottawa scenario test - bombed completely due to exhaustion and anxiety attack.
I came home today and just crashed, i cried for my failure, for my exhaustion, for the fact that I have neglected myself for such a long time and for the realization that I have worked pretty much straight through for 18 months with maybe one long weekend a month - if that. Maybe it is because i saw the loss of a life and that hurts. Maybe it is just because I need sleep. I am exhausted. Frustrated. stressed out.
this week is daytimes - 05:30 starts. then next monday i have another set of tests. I need this to go well. I need to sleep and feel better. I need a hug man, and someone just to listen to me whine, cry and say nothing. Nothing more at all. But tonight it will be a gravol... and to sleep.
Monday, 1 October 2007
stretches of oblivion
so have i really ticked off people, ya.
I am not sure what to think yet.
I am goin to Montreal for the weekend and I guess I just had this realization that I think I may be the only one of the gals from SLP who isn't still in touch...
How frustrating.
Maybe more - wow, what did I do?
Was it cause I left there before most? Because I am too friggin emotional? Was I really that mean?
I have good memories of these people. I guess I didn't leave the same memories. I left the image of how weak and retarded I am. I guess in a telepathic way - woudl you guys forgive me for whatever it was I did? and... i am really interested in your lives, how are you really doing? I do miss y'all...
Anyway, just another rant in the life of the woman...
I am not sure what to think yet.
I am goin to Montreal for the weekend and I guess I just had this realization that I think I may be the only one of the gals from SLP who isn't still in touch...
How frustrating.
Maybe more - wow, what did I do?
Was it cause I left there before most? Because I am too friggin emotional? Was I really that mean?
I have good memories of these people. I guess I didn't leave the same memories. I left the image of how weak and retarded I am. I guess in a telepathic way - woudl you guys forgive me for whatever it was I did? and... i am really interested in your lives, how are you really doing? I do miss y'all...
Anyway, just another rant in the life of the woman...
Friday, 7 September 2007
The sun looks like it's melting the world.
Today I walked out side and the sun was beating down with this orange-golden colour on the ground. It hit my skin with such heat and intensity... it felt like I was beginning to melt.
It's my first real weekend of school. And, this may be one of the last weekends I get... so I am glad that the weather is like harsh hot august weather. Maybe I will go to the beach... :) get a tan!!
My coping skills I was discussing with my school physician are apathy. Or the way she put it was that it is I am able to accept the things I cannot change... so I accept and even if I get frustrated I tend to just say... meh, screw it. Wow, this can be so effective! I did really good on my first test of the year (ya, the first "real" school week ends with a test... and ya... the marks were up by the next day around noon)
SO the year begins and the beginning of the turmoil and change are under way!
But why am I still dreaming of someone from the past. Talk about weird...
It's my first real weekend of school. And, this may be one of the last weekends I get... so I am glad that the weather is like harsh hot august weather. Maybe I will go to the beach... :) get a tan!!
My coping skills I was discussing with my school physician are apathy. Or the way she put it was that it is I am able to accept the things I cannot change... so I accept and even if I get frustrated I tend to just say... meh, screw it. Wow, this can be so effective! I did really good on my first test of the year (ya, the first "real" school week ends with a test... and ya... the marks were up by the next day around noon)
SO the year begins and the beginning of the turmoil and change are under way!
But why am I still dreaming of someone from the past. Talk about weird...
Friday, 24 August 2007
Terrible and evil being resides inside me
I am a terrible person inside.
I'm not sure why, but I guess I am.
I have these dark corners, negative moods and a harsh tongue.
How somedays I have any friends is beyond me... or so I have come to wonder recently.
Are my decisions unsound? I realize I take things personally and when I am overtired I am an absolute bear and when I am being abused I tend to be a little cranky. I haven't taken the easiest route, but my life and my stories are rich and I have some amazing experiences that I dont' think I woudl ever trade to get back things I had in the past. I feel that if things were supposed to have worked out differently they woudl have.
Will I lose friends, I am sure I have and I will and it will be an ongoing cycle. Some people a forward once told me are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. I have some amazing people in my life and I am proud that they see me as someone to care about and encourage through thick and thin.
Do I regret the fact that I am single and that I havent' been in a long term relationship in a long time - sometimes it makes me sad. People keep asking me when I am gonna be the married, havin kids. And really, that hurts in a lot of ways. Am I less of a person because I haven't found it necessary to follow that path? Am I less loved and have I accomplished less in my lifetime? I think I make a good friend, aunt, sister and daughter and those are some remarkable relationships to maintain over time also.
The future to me is never something I could picture, which is probably why right now I can't see much beyond this year. The options and the changes that can arise over this year long period of time are so numerous, so mysterious and often much scarier than you may think.
I guess that I hit the point of nostalgia and a little regrouping as I begin my final year at the College. I am aware of dark corners, choices and conversations I have had with people recently about my life. I know I am not an easy person to get along with, understand or keep up with. I try to keep people involved, but I have to admit, sometimes it is tough and I need a little help. I have been a terrible friend to some this year and I just have to ask for understanding and forgiveness and to depend on my friends, family and other loved ones for a good swift kick in the pants when I get myself into such a rut. To allow me to shed some tears and push me to move past them. I am one stubborn chick and another very emotional gal and I know that makes a terrible combination sometimes.
I just hope that when I am onto my next adventure that I will still have people around me who care and that I haven't done what I know I am most talented at - pushing away...
I'm not sure why, but I guess I am.
I have these dark corners, negative moods and a harsh tongue.
How somedays I have any friends is beyond me... or so I have come to wonder recently.
Are my decisions unsound? I realize I take things personally and when I am overtired I am an absolute bear and when I am being abused I tend to be a little cranky. I haven't taken the easiest route, but my life and my stories are rich and I have some amazing experiences that I dont' think I woudl ever trade to get back things I had in the past. I feel that if things were supposed to have worked out differently they woudl have.
Will I lose friends, I am sure I have and I will and it will be an ongoing cycle. Some people a forward once told me are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. I have some amazing people in my life and I am proud that they see me as someone to care about and encourage through thick and thin.
Do I regret the fact that I am single and that I havent' been in a long term relationship in a long time - sometimes it makes me sad. People keep asking me when I am gonna be the married, havin kids. And really, that hurts in a lot of ways. Am I less of a person because I haven't found it necessary to follow that path? Am I less loved and have I accomplished less in my lifetime? I think I make a good friend, aunt, sister and daughter and those are some remarkable relationships to maintain over time also.
The future to me is never something I could picture, which is probably why right now I can't see much beyond this year. The options and the changes that can arise over this year long period of time are so numerous, so mysterious and often much scarier than you may think.
I guess that I hit the point of nostalgia and a little regrouping as I begin my final year at the College. I am aware of dark corners, choices and conversations I have had with people recently about my life. I know I am not an easy person to get along with, understand or keep up with. I try to keep people involved, but I have to admit, sometimes it is tough and I need a little help. I have been a terrible friend to some this year and I just have to ask for understanding and forgiveness and to depend on my friends, family and other loved ones for a good swift kick in the pants when I get myself into such a rut. To allow me to shed some tears and push me to move past them. I am one stubborn chick and another very emotional gal and I know that makes a terrible combination sometimes.
I just hope that when I am onto my next adventure that I will still have people around me who care and that I haven't done what I know I am most talented at - pushing away...
Wednesday, 1 August 2007
in the heat of the night...
I don't come by often.
Sorry...
My life is in the usual chaos - which drives me insane at the best of times.
Shift work but not just that overtime with shift work - how painful? I'm workin like a dog and getting paid crappy wages and I'm tired all the time.
this is me realizing the error of my ways ;)
I knwo I have to pay bills but this is rediculous. I took the job I could get and there are advantages - the experience has been good on a job related side of things... but the money and hours are messed up.
I hope that I am in this for the right reasons, that I myself as a person don't become someone that I don't like and that I remember the lighter side of life with this job. And... i hope i get used to nights.
anyway, off to bed. I had more of a point for writing, but I think I just decided it was time to leave a note... more another day
Sorry...
My life is in the usual chaos - which drives me insane at the best of times.
Shift work but not just that overtime with shift work - how painful? I'm workin like a dog and getting paid crappy wages and I'm tired all the time.
this is me realizing the error of my ways ;)
I knwo I have to pay bills but this is rediculous. I took the job I could get and there are advantages - the experience has been good on a job related side of things... but the money and hours are messed up.
I hope that I am in this for the right reasons, that I myself as a person don't become someone that I don't like and that I remember the lighter side of life with this job. And... i hope i get used to nights.
anyway, off to bed. I had more of a point for writing, but I think I just decided it was time to leave a note... more another day
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