bewildered

entering the workforce, at any point in your life must always have a bit of worry, anxiety and even excitement. But... after watching my parents for years - they had some relatively good security. Maybe it was my childish view point, but what I remember is something that was expected to last, and often even supervisors that made sure you were doing well.

now what point and role are your supervisors supposed to play. when you are asked to perform a task or a job, are they supposed to make sure you know how to do it? when you say it is something you aren't familliar with - should they help make sure you are trained and comfortable? And at what point would that be grounds to let go?

I worry that I will get to a place and I will think I am doing well, but someday that someone will ambush me and say - you ahven't gotten any better at this job, so you should go now. Or I wanna know how much should be done before they just say "goodbye"?

I've heard of employers many times doing a review - pointing out good/bad stuff as usual - gotta have something to grow with. Then 6 months later one day you come in and they say - you ain't gettin any better... sees ya later!

It's not like these people are stealing from the company, like they are hurting anyone. Sometimes it is the lack of communication, the lack of support or the adjustment to management styles, etc that need to be nurtured. Not just left for 6 months, and then one day drawing the curtain and using that little cane thing to pull you off to stage left and shuffled out the stage door. Ya know?

You think you know who you are working for, the environment when you start is great and a couple or few years later they basically flip you the bird one morning and shuffle you back out the front door. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME! There is a reason I don't wanna be management. I don't want that responsibility. I don't think I'd do well with that kind of power either tho.

So I hope that I find a place that likes me, wants me to learn, encourages and works with me to become the best whoever and whatever I am supposed to be.

It's all about growth

I am now back in school. Yeah, for anyone who knows me well, this is where I am strangely comfortable. There is something nice about being where someone always has your back. Maybe I am just nervous about taking off on my own. Wait - if that's the case this program isn't the best idea... haha. It adds even more responsibility.
One of my instructors said something great yesterday. This job is about common sense, being able to justify and fit the protocol to the patient and not the patient to the protocol. If they patient will benefit and these benefits outweigh all the negatives, then do it. There are things you need to do but you need to be able to justify doing and not doing and supporting your decisions with medical knowledge.
So yeah I am back to school. Again.

And living with my folks.

And driving a lot.

Anyone got any tips on how to make me really bilingual? This french thing is tough.

Anyway - This is where I am at, still moving forward... still looking ahead.
:)

holy transitions batman!

It's happening all around me and I can't seem to figure out what way to look. Like there is just so much going on around me... and I have no control. Maybe it is just the combination of beginnings, endings and being somewhere in the middle of other things... haha.

So what am I talking about... well here goes.
Finished my rideouts, did very well which I am happy about.
Finished the last week of school... which I did very well and was soo frustrated... haha.
Graduated from the Paramedic Program - all my colleagues are now spreading across the province at the moment I speak and it is good I am happy but at the same time - it's an ending and it's sad.

Still working at the transfer company - which brings with it it's own set of frustrations since voting in the union. My boss didn't talk to me at all for 2 months - how mature? I dunno.

Got a summer job in Prescott-Russel as a full fledged Paramedic. I apparently have my wings and I am being allowed to fly solo now. I think they're crazy... but I am happy too. The biggest challenge beyond it being a new job... doing the job bilingually! haha. that will be... interesting...

September 2008 - moving to S. Ontario (okay somewhere between Belleville and Oshawa) so I can take the Advanced Care Paramedic program at Durham. I am excited but there is not a tonne of support by a lot of the medics on the road. I am hoping that it isn't that tough to get the support but we'll see.

This all comes amongst or after testing after testing for different services, interviews, rejections, i got sooo tired and frustrated after all of that, felt so deflated and still... don't feel like the strongest person out there. I realized that I have a lot of strengths but the hiring process doesn't find any of those.. at all!!

So today is Canada day, it is sunny for the first time in a month... I believe it is time to go and enjoy the weather and try to get a bit of a tan!
Thanks for the rant time.

health - care

Is there care in health care?
maybe my turbulations through different parts are jading my vision.

Hiring is not good...
people don't really care.
They go from person to person and just do their "job" but they miss parts of it.
Urg... then... they just ... don't put in any emotion.

I'm tired... tired of being a caring individual who is working to get a job... but I care too much.
How many more heartbreaks can one person endure...

one drop in the bucket

Gosh I wish this was a romantic entry.
But today it is trying to open my feelings and get them out of my head.
There is a lot of weight in my head - maybe that is why I get a headache sometimes. I take on a lot of stuff in this little cranial vault.

The 12th I had my first major trauma, the first one that really hit me. It didn't hit me until I was done but it hit me. And for some reason it hit me harder than anything else I have seen. She was young, lively I am sure and made one little mistake. It's realizing that one decision you make can determine the rest of your life, and to make the wrong one, to make that decision at the wrong time can end whatever your dreams and life could hold. Whether you make the right one... or not... it isn't until after you make it that you learn the outcome. You can think of the probabilities, like gambling, but you never know.
It wasn't overly gorey, but it was the most adrenaline filled, fast paced scene I have been on yet. We moved. I knew that it was a pretty slim chance she'd make it. I knew that she would be lucky if she did. The mechanism of injury, the types of injuries meant that she was going to have a tough struggle if she did.
The report given to the docs, then I realized that I needed the space. I walked out, and cried. Just quickly, enough to feel a little relief and a little embarrassment. i was sad, or maybe scared or maybe just coming down off the adrenaline.
I have accepted the call. I know the reality of it and that she just made a split second decision with hope and optimism that only a teenager can. maybe I will still be sad, maybe it was just something to compound all my emotions.

Last 2 weeks: 10th - 12th Friend visiting, working 0530 starts; 13th write test in Oshawa, come back to Ottawa on 15th; mom and dad in town all weekend; 15th write ottawa testing; Buddy came by to hang out and stayed till midnight; work canal sunday; 18-19 afternoon/evening; 20 0730 start; 21 afternoon/evening; 22 0730 start; 23 in lab for 5 hours practicing for monday; 24 5 hours on canal, coffee date; 25th ottawa scenario test - bombed completely due to exhaustion and anxiety attack.
I came home today and just crashed, i cried for my failure, for my exhaustion, for the fact that I have neglected myself for such a long time and for the realization that I have worked pretty much straight through for 18 months with maybe one long weekend a month - if that. Maybe it is because i saw the loss of a life and that hurts. Maybe it is just because I need sleep. I am exhausted. Frustrated. stressed out.
this week is daytimes - 05:30 starts. then next monday i have another set of tests. I need this to go well. I need to sleep and feel better. I need a hug man, and someone just to listen to me whine, cry and say nothing. Nothing more at all. But tonight it will be a gravol... and to sleep.

stretches of oblivion

so have i really ticked off people, ya.
I am not sure what to think yet.
I am goin to Montreal for the weekend and I guess I just had this realization that I think I may be the only one of the gals from SLP who isn't still in touch...
How frustrating.
Maybe more - wow, what did I do?
Was it cause I left there before most? Because I am too friggin emotional? Was I really that mean?

I have good memories of these people. I guess I didn't leave the same memories. I left the image of how weak and retarded I am. I guess in a telepathic way - woudl you guys forgive me for whatever it was I did? and... i am really interested in your lives, how are you really doing? I do miss y'all...
Anyway, just another rant in the life of the woman...

The sun looks like it's melting the world.

Today I walked out side and the sun was beating down with this orange-golden colour on the ground. It hit my skin with such heat and intensity... it felt like I was beginning to melt.
It's my first real weekend of school. And, this may be one of the last weekends I get... so I am glad that the weather is like harsh hot august weather. Maybe I will go to the beach... :) get a tan!!

My coping skills I was discussing with my school physician are apathy. Or the way she put it was that it is I am able to accept the things I cannot change... so I accept and even if I get frustrated I tend to just say... meh, screw it. Wow, this can be so effective! I did really good on my first test of the year (ya, the first "real" school week ends with a test... and ya... the marks were up by the next day around noon)

SO the year begins and the beginning of the turmoil and change are under way!

But why am I still dreaming of someone from the past. Talk about weird...